Let’s Look into the Mind of an Abuser: The Antagonist

Have you ever dealt with an abuser, the antagonist? The word abuser scares me because I’ve experience one up close and personal, I lived with him for 17 years. Who or what defines these bullies? Better yet, why do they even exist?

In movies, the antagonist is a term in literature given to a person who is against the main character and causes conflict in a fiction story. They can be hostile or violent with a purpose to bring a person down for their own benefit. But these people exist in real life too.

Think of Darth Vader from the Star Wars Saga, Lord Voldemort from Harry Potter or perhaps even Cersei Lannister from The Game of Thrones. All of these antagonists in the story have that twisted view of power for personal gain. Now consider this thought as to what power means in the abuser’s mind.

These are characters of a person who exist in our reality and you may have had the unpleasant opportunity to meet them. They are unavoidable and not easy to spot unless you get to know them better.

In this second post, in the series about characters, I share my perspective about why I feel the abuser has an important role to play in the game of life. Let’s look further into their being, to understand what goes on in the abuser’s mind. I’ll also reveal the abuser in my own life that’s made a huge change in my growth as a person. Let’s begin shall we?

The Antagonist: Abusers, Who Are They?

Have you ever dealt with as aggressive or violent person? Perhaps they have manipulated you, caused chaos to your life. I can tell you it is not a pleasant situation to be in. I’ve lived with one who instilled great fear in me since I was four years old. And in my adulthood, I found them everywhere! Like a walking zombie devouring innocent lives, thirsting to feel alive again.

The Abuser in my own experiences, constantly choose to harm, intimidate, or force an unwilling, vulnerable person to do their bid for personal gain. Because deep down inside them, they feel worthless and powerless.

I guarantee that everyone of you have had some experience with an aggressive person or with bullies. Call them whatever you like, the instigator, the trouble maker, the abuser, the narcissist, the psychopath, those gas-lighters, we all know their toxic shadow.

But like us, aren’t they human beings with hopes and dreams, experiencing challenges and strife too? Unknown to us, there are hidden knowledge, images and perhaps even experiences, we inherit from the generations that came before us. Known as the collective unconscious, termed by Carl Jung, it suggests that we inherit these experiences in our genes. It lays the foundations of knowledge or perhaps even instincts imprinted into us when we were born and in our childhood growing years.

But the question that comes to mind is, how does a person become a bully that abuses another? It is a hard question to answer because we do not know the identity of each individual person.

The Chaos: Breaking The Ties that Bind

At the doorstep of my family home in chapter one of Meant to Be, my memoir, you will meet my father, the bully and abuser, my mom and then there’s me, caught in between the conflict. My father is aggressive by nature, he initiates the conflict in my story.

Their story didn’t start this way. Both were normal everyday people. These are simple ordinary characters but at the doorstep of my childhood home, an incident occurs that eventually breaks the family dynamics of these three ordinary people. It ripples into a series of events to occur that breaks the path they got given. One of them, literally creates a new path with her choices and makes you question, does everything happens for a reason?

Their lives changes dramatically as they enter an extraordinary world that brings the crux of the conflict out into the open. They lose everything that ever existed to start anew.

Meant to be, is my coming of age memoir detailing the story of how these ordinary characters embrace the challenges and strife presented to each of them differently. And the important lesson for parents to learn is, if you have unresolved wounds in your past, it is possible for you to unconsciously pass them down to your children.

Children are our Future

But let’s look at children to understand why they argue and fight at school. Children feel the need to defend or protect themselves from being harmed. It all begins in the playground in our minds. Perhaps something or someone caused that chaos in their early years. And in most cases, when children cause a commotion, they need the reassurance that you are there for them or that they need your attention focused on them.

People who experience turbulent childhoods become adults who rise to aggressive behaviors so they can take back the power they lost as a child. But why? By hurting others, it is a natural response to an internal protective mechanism. It is triggered by the visions of what they saw or were taught in their childhood growing years. The aggressive outbursts seen in adults are triggered by what impacted their feelings as a child. And now that same event is rewinding as an unresolved childhood trauma with reoccurring events constantly playing in their mind. Why? Because no one taught them how to cope with the trauma to a threatening event.

How do you deal with someone who is aggressive? The simple but sad answer is you can’t. The antagonist in movies and TV dramas almost always die or get caught. But in real life, you have a choice. You either give your personal power away to them or you find the courage to walk away. The longer you stay and allow their grip to hold you, the harder it will be for you to be free from their reign. Learn to get out of their way!

Why Bullies or Abusers Play An Important Role for Our Growth

What we perceive as endings are actually beginnings …

Quote from Meant to Be, a memoir by Alison Laverty

Now, let’s dig deeper into this unusual character we call the antagonist or the aggressive bullies, who is often seen as the villain or nemesis in movies. Unknown to us, the answers we seek begins within the innocent child.

In my memoir Meant to Be, you will be presented with a back story leading to the fateful day when all hell breaks lose. You will learn what motivates each character, their family background, their turbulent experiences and witness how these individuals rise up to choose a course of action.

What motivates a person to become violent? What hidden truths do they secretly keep? Are they afraid to feel the shame of what people might think of them? How can we see the essence of who they really are before what influenced their behavior? What do they love to do and what does it say about them? To understand the reason behind their actions, we must understand the the character of a person. What experiences shaped their childhood growing years?

We can’t see the reality of everyone’s family history or background. But how they engage with you can tell a lot about a person’s habit and routine. These provides hints or signs that shows you their true colors.

So you may ask, why should I put up with these toxic people? Because they hold a key to a puzzle, that will help you grow into yourself. Every time you react to a domestic dispute or to a bully in school or your workplace, ask yourself why are you reacting to their outburst? Listen to how you feel within. Ask yourself what are you afraid of? Chances are when you get away from them to a safe place, the answers you seek lies within you. Through the chaos, a light is showing you where love is missing or lost.

My father’s unpredictable behavior ultimately destroyed our home. But with this came a new beginning. And my story begins from here.

It was not easy to put up with him for all those years, dealing with his behavior was life threatening. And even when I was away from him, somehow he had the ability to haunt me. But before we went our separate ways, he unconsciously passed onto me a gift that brought me tremendous healing.

When you engage with an aggressive abuser, often if not you want to prove your point of view, is sane and normal. But remember you’re dealing with someone who is aggressive, the situation will unfairly be his way and no other way.

The only way you make it fair by you is to walk away and start a new life. Don’t follow the path you can see because it belongs to someone else. Create your own path and perhaps along your way, we might meet each other halfway.